Confessions of A Welfare "Princess"

Note: This post is taken from other posts that I've made on a message board in the last few days. What is listed in bold italics are others' responses to my posts. What's in brackets are extra notes.

I thought about writing an essay, but as I wrote these posts, I realized that they are my essays. These issues are deeply personal to me, and lenghty, but I decided I finally needed to get some things off my chest.

I.
At at blogger’s meeting last night[September 25th}, I had a testy exchange with another person–still don’t know his name or blog. [I'm sure I'll find out eventually]

What happened was that we were all talking about the big bailout, and the conversation somehow moved to entitlements for poor people.

This person’s opinion was that the poor (in Western countries) chose to be this way and we are spending way too much tax money..they don’t deserve it …etc.

I suppose I had a flashback. I grew up poor with a single mother in inner city housing projects, and I had bad memories of teachers, social workers, and others with the same opinion and not shy about letting their dislike of the poor be known to my mother and my brothers and sisters.

Anyway, I told him that I didn’t appreciate his statements. My mother didn’t “choose” the circumstances she got placed into (a husband deserting her when she was pregnant with twins), and she did the best she could to raise us to be responsible people (I think she did an outstanding job!)

Anyway, I’m sick to death of the “shiny happy poor people” myth, and I have no jealousy of someone who lives in a dangerous, drug and crime infested neighborhood with no grocery stores and poor schools and bleak futures.

Poverty sucks! Why all the hate?

Thanks for letting me vent. I know this has been done before.



II.
There are some things that people can do to help themselves that they don’t always do. But you could say that for almost anyone in almost any circumstance. Some people have far more of a safety net than others.

How true.

I remember being with a group of women who were social workers, and one told a story of how angry she was at a client who’s daughter got a really expensive purse from an uncle. The social worker was angry that this girl on welfare was carrying a more expensive purse than she could afford.

I pointed out to the social worker, that it may be a good thing to give someone poor something of value and not trash, and that I hope she doesn’t relay that attitude to her clients. I also told her about my own upbringing.

She said, “Well, you don’t sound like you grew up poor.”

$#@!!!



III.
It’s not about the purse. It’s that the child was being treated as if she wasn’t worthy of the purse. As if an object was above her.

That was my problem with the social worker’s attitude, and I suspect that her clients picked up on her jealously and bitterness. I know I did with the way that a few spoke to my mother.

Mind you, I’m not dumping on social workers. I remember one in particular who went above and beyond her job description to help my mother in at a pretty low point, and I’m forever grateful.



IV.
My mother fed us pretty well with the food stamps we got. At times, we would get cold stares from people if we brought cookies, cake , or ice creme, but she did it anyway.

I knew of people that flat out cheated to get more benefits and probably wouldn’t work if you handed them a good job. What upset me about that gentleman’s points last night is that he made it an across the board statement and that he felt that the government spends too much money on poor people.

Poor people are humans too.



V.
And what would he have the government spend money on? Did he have an answer for that? Unfortunately, I hear the same stuff every day. You’re right–lack of money doesn’t equal lower-than-human.

I didn’t get that far in the conversation with the gentleman because I got too angry and decided to shut up, but I’m glad I can vent here.



VI.
Thanks so much for your responses. I had gotten so angry last night. It just gets under my &$#@ to see the contempt some people have for the poor. Usually, I’m pretty cool about it on the outside, but I just wasn’t having it last night.

I snapped back to the poor little girl who heard her mother being humiliated by a social worker, but this time, I could say something. I’m certain I didn’t change his feelings about poor people, but I gather he’ll be just a little more careful spouting off next time.

Although poor, my mother raised us pretty well and with a minimum of chaos although we have our dysfunctions like most families. I grew up in a household in which learning was encouraged.

We later moved from New York City to the South where my uncles stepped in as father figures for my siblings and me. My mom started working and got off some public assistance although we stayed on food stamps (now South Carolina uses EBT cards) for a while afterward.

To date, all six of us have done okay, some very well. All work, some have degrees. No jail, No children outside of marriage.

I stated this earlier, but it bears repeating, why so much vitriol against someone who lives in a dangerous neighborhood, environmentally dangerous dwelling who can’t let their child play outside, who can’t get fresh fruits and vegetables nearby, etc?

There’ll be no hate from me. I know how blessed I’ve been.

VII.
More generally, the causes of poverty are complex and varied; I think some people are just not able or willing to think enough about the issue to understand how poverty develops. It is easier to say that people choose it, than to think/do anything about the root causes, which may mean that those with the wealth/power to effect the most sweeping changes would lose some of their “privileges.” The fact that some of these so-called privileges (like good public schools) should be equally available to all totally escapes them.


This is what I wish I could have said instead of just getting mad. Thanks.



VIII.
In the meantime, I’d encourage anyone interested in the subject to check out a book called Myth of the Welfare Queen.

I have to check the book out. Thanks for the link.

ETA: Someday, I’d like to write an essay entitled If my mother was a Welfare Queen, does that make me a Princess?

(It’s early, work with me:-)


IX.
Much as MofWQ did to expose just how broken the system is, I just wonder how much of it has really sunk in as far as public perceptions of those in the system (and what they have to deal with!) are concerned.

My guess is from what people (of different races) say to be because the don’t perceive me having grown up on public assistance is that, in general, and sadly, perceptions haven’t changed greatly.

What especially saddened me about the social worker who was angry about the child with the expensive purse, is that she had a job where she faced the poor daily. She might be a consummate professional and been able to hide her bitterness, but what I often saw as a child was a spiral of anger and mistrust on both sides.

One of my dearest friends was a social worker. She came from a single-mother, working poor family, and we talked about some of the craziness and chaos she saw in some of her client’s lives and how angry that made her. On the other hand, she knew it was her responsibility to treat all her clients with dignity and respect. So she also had to take care of herself and her feelings as well.

X.
Go ahead and write the essay! Maybe you have already started it, here in this thread


Thanks for the encouragement.

It’s something that been in my heart for years. When I hear the ugliness spewed on single-inner city moms, I want to put a human face on it, show the diversity and the tremendous amount of stress that many of these women are under.

My mother was a strong, well read, and intelligent woman who got involved with the wrong man. She was abandoned with twins and toddlers at 24 years old, and she did what she had to do. She didn’t always do the right thing–who does–but she showed more courage and steadfastness than I think I would have.

Her approach to things was steady and gentle. I’m much more emotional and fiery. It’s a mother/daughter thing, but, it pains me that she and other women like her are painted as greedy dregs on society.

The perception that they are just empty headed hoes popping out kids and leading lives of luxury is so wrong. Many just end up on the wrong path with little hope or support or options.

I’m not at all saying that there aren’t any who manipulate the system; you’ll have that in every group. It’s just that the manipulators are a small minority, but the haters have turned it around to make others believe that the cheaters are the majority.

Most welfare moms love their children and try to do the very best for them with what they have just like any other group of moms. Some are better equipped and some are not.

My head isn’t stuck in the sand. There are major problems with poor education, drugs, crime, and despair in America’s inner cities that knot themselves in a vicious circle, but hate-based initiatives aren’t going to solve anything. They may sound good, and play to the fear and prejudice of certain constituencies, and blow up the internet for a time but they solve nothing.

So what do I propose? How can we pick apart the knot?

If I knew the exactly how to proceed, I’d write my essay and pack for Oslo to accept my Noble Prize, but I know that so much of the solution lies in how badly does the rest of society really want to change things.

Apparently, I have started my essay. The guy at the blogger’s meeting might have been the spark I needed.

Good Captain Bess!

Ahoy Maties!

In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

My pirate name is:

Captain Bess Kidd

Even though there's no legal rank on a pirate ship, everyone recognizes you're the one in charge. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
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Just call me Good Captain Bess!

In the Parenthood

Role Reversal

Even though at and I have never had children, I had always imagined that if we did, I would be the strict authoritarian one, and he would be the nurturing pal one.

We've had Pat's six year old niece, Hanna, over for a few days, and I'm finding that our roles have been reversed a bit, and I find it quite interesting.

While I realize that a few days cannot possibly make a parent, It's been enlightening to see Patrick and his adorable little niece together.

Death on the Hospital Floor

I find the death of a patient on the floor of a waiting room at Kings County Hospital in Brooklyn is deeply disturbing.

When I lived in New York City, Kings County has the hospital my family used. I had a brother and sister born there. I remember my mother telling me that my little brother was going to die (he had diarrhea as a preemie), but he didn't, and she always credited Kings County with saving his life.

Over the years and miles away, I'm out of the loop about conditions at Kings County, so to see such a horrific thing happen in the 21st century in a major American city is shocking.

To see the patient on the floor as security personnel and medical staff (who have taken an oath to care) ignore her makes my blood boil.

It's clear to me that Kings County has a culture in which doctors can feel okay with disregarding a human being on the floor.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is a doctor. She is a smart, wonderful and caring person and she is deeply frustrated with all the social issues that she encounters from patients who refuse to take care of themselves to turning away those who cannot pay. I mentioned reading about a woman who died in a waiting room while medical staff ignored her and a janitor sweeped around her

Despite some reports to the contrary, it sucks to grow up poor.

I grew up hearing how some social workers would speak to my mother (this was a few, most were good and some were great) and how she had to bite her lip, and how angry that made me because even as a child I knew she was being mistreated.

While I do understand my friend’s issues, I did explain some of my experiences and what I see as a cycle of mistrust between doctors and patients that can spin out of control.

Pregnancy Pact!?!

I find this story fascinating.

As the oldest daughter of a single mother who grew up poor and had to take care of lots of siblings, I never saw the allure of teen pregnancy, so I was stunned when I met teens who wanted to have babies.

Having that experience, the story doesn't shock me so much as saddens me because some of these girls probably feel they have nothing else in life to aspire to.

I've Got the Earth Day Blues

I'm all for saving the enviroment, but I really wish the movement was more inclusive, not just for those who can afford organic foods and hybrid cars.

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Notes On Some Scandals

Since this was posted, Don Imus has been fired by CBS, and Mike Nifong has apologized to the former Duke lacrosse players.

Neil Explains It All

Truth is worth more than pride.

Just My Thoughts

Just what's been going through my mind concerning Don Imus, the Duke lacrosse scandal, and the NFL Suspensions...

• While I thought Don Imus's remarks concerning the Rutger's basketball team were racist, sexist, and dumb, I was not personally hurt by them. I've heard worse on 96 Wave.
• Why do so many want to be loud, angry, and stupid?
• There's just too much meanness afoot, but I also think some are using it to their advantage both as sponsors and victims of it.
• I find this all completely fascinating.
• Haven't made up my mind if Imus should be fired. There are so many loud boorish people on the radio, and while he's a prominent person, he's just the tip of a ugly iceberg.
• The color that will decide his fate is green, not black or white.
• He and his producer thought they were being funny to those that think that sort of thing is funny, but isn't. There's a difference in being politically incorrect and just plain vile.
• He doesn't realize the depth and breath of his remarks--hair/sexuality/beauty/skin color among blacks. There's so much we haven't come to grips with--so much I have yet to come to grips with in the way I see myself.
• The people he really needs to apologize to are the women on that basketball team. Hopefully, he will do so.
• Why do so many in the media think that Sharpton and Jackson speak for all black people? Please stop!!!
• Sharpton never impressed me, and I lost all respect for Jackson when he felt it was okay to play Take Your Mistress to the White House Day. Dude, you are supposed to be a man of God.
• While there are people whose opinions I respect and admire, I can think for myself and come to my own conclusions.
• I believe there's media bias, not so much based on right or left--although that's certainly a factor, but on ratings and advertising revenue.
• Money talks and everything else can walk.
• How many people will come on his show to "kiss his ring" now?
• When I first heard the Duke case last year, I was so angry. It dredged up a time a terrible time in history for so many black women who had no recourse by law if they were assaulted.
• I totally believed the accuser, and just knew that they three men accused were guilty sleazeballs.
• As the evidence came in --no DNA match, no witnesses, the accuser changing stories--I had to questions my own beliefs. I pride myself on logic and evidence, and I wasn't using it here. I don't know what happened that night, and probably never will, but these men did not rape this woman. I just got caught up in the hype, a rush to summary judgement, and my own prejudice.
• The prosecutor did need to investigate the charges, as well to weigh the evidence, and honestly, there was none. The emotions of the case were so high, but he needed to do the right thing; he didn't, and people suffered.
• When I watched the press conferences yesterday, I realized that these young men and their families were put through hell. I saw them as just young men who got caught up in something beyond them, and I realize how I had dehumanized them and demonized them because of their gender, race, and social status. I felt ashamed of myself.
• For what it's worth. I'm so sorry. While they probably will never know, I need to make a public statement.
• I hope others apologize too. The accuser certainly needs to. I really would like to hear from her.
• I'm glad that the NFL commissioner suspended Chris Henry and Adam "Pacman" Jones.
• Maybe they'll learn--maybe they won't, but the league's policy is clear.
• I'm especially distressed about Jones's violence against women. This doesn't get a lot of play in the sports media.
• I grew up poor, and while totally poverty sucks and is generally ignored in this country, it's not an excuse to be a criminal.
• The poor are no more morally inferior than the rich are morally superior.
• I don't think it's cool for black men to say degrading things about black women regardless of the context. It's not cool for anyone else to emulate that behavior either.
• Too many of our young people are getting their values from violent media and not parents. Too many of our children are being raised by hip hop.
• I love old school rap--Sugar Hill Gang, Kurtis Blow, etc., but I turned away from it once the hate,violence, and misogyny took over a lot of it. I know that all hip hop is not all bad, and there are artists doing positive things, but there's too much ugliness out there that needs to cease.
• I wish we can get beyond the camps and tribes and stereotypes and just talk.
• Honestly, we are just humans here--honestly.
• If you got this far, thanks for reading this and bearing with me. Agree or disagree--both are okay by me. I just needed to get these things off my chest.